This week on the Red Eye Report we are talking about a common pain in the ass. A pain in the ass that everyone has, but only 50% of the population has to pay for. No, we’re not talking about taxes — We’re talking about HEMORRHOIDS! We’re jumping the shark with another shark — on shark skis!!

First we have Mystic, who through the marvels of modern science no longer worries about butt trouble like hemorrhoids. When installing his Robocop foot, he upgraded the surgery to add a ShopVac Colon! Even springing for the 100ft power cable!

Oracle is the next butt berry in the Red Eye tree. This week he had no butt trouble, but instead got sick on a plane and thought he was gonna die. All because he was scuba diving just the day before he flew up to 30.000 feet in elevation. He would have died of the bends, but was saved by his Spirit Airlines seat, which only reclines 5 degrees!

Next we have Teddy. Buddy, as a fellow butt lover, I advise you to cover your eyes and plug your ears this episode.

And I’m Ashtray. The host who asked aloud, “how can we talk about something even more absurd than Plumbing?” and then the inspiration came to me — HEMORRHOIDS inspired by a true story. This weekend I got my first hemorrhoid and I’m sharing pictures on the RED EYE REPORT!

No seriously I can’t share pictures of it without burning your eyes out and leaving you forever haunted. But we are going to talk about that which no one talks about;


I got the RHOID-RAGE this Sunday, and I don’t wish it on my worst enemy, or even Mystic.

What is a Hemorrhoid?


We all have them! Also known as PILES – vascular structures in the anal canal which help with stool control. They help seal up the sphincter, above and below it. The lower ones are what make your “starfish”

We only call them Hemorrhoids when they get pissed off and inflamed.

Essentially a varicose vein, but on your butt.

50% to 66% will have problems with them at some point in their life. 

Males and females are both affected equally.

Ages 45 – 65 are the most affected.

More common among the wealthy.

Many pregnant women get them from the extra load of child bearing.

2 types; internal and external


Usually painless and only noticed when blood is found during bowel movements


Normally they are what forms the starfish shape of your puckered butt. 

When thrombosed they are very painful.

Look like an asymmetrical bulge on your poop shoot

Swelling may last a few weeks. Pain usually clears up in 2-3 days.


Over the counter lotions and a high fiber diet. 

Stop reading on the toilet.

Losing weight.

Office based procedures;

Rubber band ligation

Sclerotherapy – injecting a sclerosing agent to cause the vein walls to collapse and shrivel up. 70% success rate.

Cauterization – used when other methods fail

Surgery is used when all the above fail, but all have some degree of complications such as; bleeding, infection, anal strictures and urinary retention because it’s so close to the nerves which control the bladder. Also fecal incontinence, especially when liquid – ANAL LEAKAGE


First known mention was from 1700 BC on Egyptian papyrus with an ointment recipe.

460 BC the Hippocratic corpus discusses a treatment similar to modern rubber band ligation;

And hemorrhoids in like manner you may treat by transfixing them with a needle and tying them with very thick and woolen thread, for application, and do not foment until they drop off, and always leave one behind; and when the patient recovers, let him be put on a course of Hellebore.”[

Famous Cases

Hall-of-Fame baseball player George Brett was removed from a game in the 1980 World Series due to hemorrhoid pain. After undergoing minor surgery, Brett returned to play in the next game, quipping “…my problems are all behind me.”[41] Brett underwent further hemorrhoid surgery the following spring.[42] Conservative political commentator Glenn Beck underwent surgery for hemorrhoids, subsequently describing his unpleasant experience in a widely viewed 2008 YouTube video.[43][44] Former U.S. President Jimmy Carter had surgery for hemorrhoids in 1984.[45] Cricketers Matthew Hayden and Viv Richards have also had the condition.[46]

What’s Sexy (not hemorrhoids)

Teddy: Steph gets schooled


Mystic: Football Season

Ashtray: Finally a study on dick pics 


Oracle: New Motherfucking Host!

Fuck What You Think

Mystic: Tool

Oracle: Shitty Sound

Ashtray: Where the hell are all the butt doughnuts?

Teddy: The Video Game Skapegoat 

In all Seriousness: Go fuck yourself Sucker Flat, California. That’s our show, we’re gonna be here every Wednesday night at 10pm central, make sure you join the conversation at theredeyereport.com or facebook.com/redeyereport…..you can also twittle us at twitter.com/red_eye_report….like us, share us, or fuck us, we’re down for whatever. I’m Mistic…………….and this is the RED EYE REPORT!!!!!