Tonight on the Red Eye Report, we’re taking a trip back to the Gilded Age to dissect the original Titans of Industry—the Robber Barons who built (and bought) America. Grab a drink and join Oracle, Ashtray, Teddy, and Mistic as we stumble through history, corner the discount bic lighter market, and officially introduce the world to Mistic’s Nutbutter.
In this episode of the Red Eye Report, we discuss the Gilded Age. We drive to the middle of nowhere cuz somewhere fuckin sucks and as usual, we try to fuck up every fact we can. With me this week is the all seeing Oracle. Oracle may not be a titan of industry. But he is a connoisseur of mushrooms. So while hes not a Rockefeller. Hes been known to say….Dem shrooms really rock a feller. Next to him is the soot covered Ashtray. This Titan of titties as no one calls him. Has been slangin em for years now in the Madison area. Almost completely cornering the cocks and clams on discounted bic lighters market. Its good work if u can get it. We’ve also got a fluffy Teddy Bear. Teddy could be a Titan of twitch. But he still hasn’t gotten me any fucking footage. Last and least, im the mistic. Unbeknownst to these fine gents and the world. I have been secretly running an industrial lube company. Called Mistics Nutbutter. Its the gelatinous, sweet smelling concoction created when my fat thighs rub my big balls all day. Some say it they used it for the entirety of the Artemis program. My NDA prevents me from commenting and this is the Red Eye Report.
Cornelius Vanderbilt (1794–1877)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cornelius_Vanderbilt
Industry: Shipping and Railroads
Legacy: Vanderbilt made his initial fortune in steamboats before shifting his focus to the railroad industry. He built the New York Central Railroad, creating an efficient transportation network across the United States. He is also the namesake of Vanderbilt University.
- Peak Wealth: At the time of his death in 1877, the “Commodore” was worth an estimated $100 to $105 million. While simple inflation puts this around $2.8 billion today, calculating his wealth as a percentage of the U.S. economy places his modern equivalent between $75 billion and $100 billion.
- Philanthropic Endeavors: Unlike his Gilded Age peers, Vanderbilt was notoriously frugal and did not believe in large-scale public charity. However, late in his life, he made one monumental donation: a $1 million gift to Central University in Nashville, Tennessee. The school was built and subsequently renamed Vanderbilt University in his honor. He also purchased a church for the congregation of his friend, Reverend Charles Deems (the Church of the Strangers in New York).
JD Rockefeller (1839–1937)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_D._Rockefeller
- Industry: Oil
- Legacy: Rockefeller founded the Standard Oil Company, which at its peak controlled about 90% of all oil refineries in the United States. He became the country’s first billionaire and is widely considered the wealthiest American of all time. Like Carnegie, he later became a major philanthropist, funding medical research and education.
- Peak Wealth: Rockefeller was America’s first recognized billionaire. In the 1910s, his net worth reached around $1.4 billion, which equaled roughly 1.5% to 2% of the total U.S. GDP. By GDP equivalent, his modern wealth would be staggering—routinely estimated between $340 billion and $435 billion, making him the wealthiest American in history.
- Philanthropic Endeavors: A devout Baptist, Rockefeller believed God had given him his money to benefit mankind. He gave away more than $500 million during his lifetime, funneling his wealth into education and public health.
- Provided the foundational funding to establish both the University of Chicago and Rockefeller University (a premier biomedical research facility).
- Created the Rockefeller Foundation, which funded massive, successful public health campaigns, including the near-eradication of hookworm in the American South and the development of the yellow fever vaccine.
Andrew Carnegie (1835–1919)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Andrew_Carnegie
Industry: Steel
Legacy: A Scottish immigrant, Carnegie built Carnegie Steel Company, which revolutionized steel production in the U.S. through vertical integration. He later sold his company to J.P. Morgan and dedicated the rest of his life to large-scale philanthropy, famously writing “The Gospel of Wealth” and funding thousands of libraries worldwide.
Peak Wealth: When Carnegie sold Carnegie Steel to J.P. Morgan in 1901, the buyout was for $480 million. Carnegie’s personal net worth peaked at roughly $380 million. When adjusted for his share of the national economy at the time, his fortune equates to roughly $300 billion to $400 billion in today’s money.
Philanthropic Endeavors: Carnegie is widely considered one of the fathers of modern philanthropy. In his famous 1889 essay The Gospel of Wealth, he argued that the rich had a moral obligation to give away their money to benefit society, famously stating, “The man who dies thus rich dies disgraced.” He gave away nearly 90% of his fortune (over $350 million) before he died.
- Funded the construction of over 2,500 public libraries across the English-speaking world.
- Founded Carnegie Mellon University and built the iconic Carnegie Hall in New York.
- Established global trusts, including the Carnegie Endowment for International Peace and the Carnegie Institution for Science.
JP Morgan (1837–1913)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/J._P._Morgan
Industry: Finance and Banking
Legacy: Morgan was a powerful financier and investment banker who dominated corporate finance. He orchestrated the consolidation of major industries, notably buying out Andrew Carnegie to create U.S. Steel (the world’s first billion-dollar corporation) and merging companies to form General Electric. He wielded so much financial power that he personally intervened to save the U.S. government from financial crises on multiple occasions.
Peak Wealth: Despite being the supreme financier of the Gilded Age—and the man who bought out Carnegie—Morgan’s personal wealth was vastly smaller than the industrialists he organized. At his death in 1913, his estate was valued at roughly $80 million (exclusive of his massive art collection). In modern terms, his peak net worth equates to a comparatively modest $1.9 billion to $2 billion. (Upon reading about Morgan’s estate in the paper, John D. Rockefeller supposedly remarked, “And to think, he wasn’t even a rich man.”)
Philanthropic Endeavors: Morgan’s philanthropy was heavily focused on the arts, sciences, and his church.
- He was a primary benefactor and president of the Metropolitan Museum of Art.
- He donated extensively to the American Museum of Natural History, Harvard University, and the Episcopal Church.
- He amassed one of the world’s greatest private collections of rare books, manuscripts, and art. Shortly after his death, his son opened this collection to the public, establishing the world-renowned Morgan Library & Museum in New York City.
What’s Sexy
Oracle: Snobby Wine Class
Mistic: I am the liquor
Teddy: Street fighter trailer
Ashtray: Dr Trump heals the true believers
Fuck What You Think
Oracle: My rusty old pipe
Mistic: Driving
Teddy: Fucking overseas tix
Ashtray: Hail Storm From Hell
In all Seriousness: Go fuck yourself JD Vance.
That’s our show, we’re gonna be here every Thursday night at 10pm central, make sure you join the conversation at theredeyereport.com or facebook.com/redeyereport…..you can also twittle us @redeye_report….like us, share us, or fuck us, we’re down for whatever. I’m Mistic…………….and this is the RED EYE REPORT!!!!!