Come one, come all and join us for the greatest show on Facebook. From fearless dick jokes, hopeless minority bashing, excessive fucking swearing and four dudes with nothing better to do on a weekday, the Red Eye Report will both tickle and arouse your senses.
A long time staple of our fabulous show, is the all seeing Oracle. Oracle’s been around so long that he’s done it all here at the Big top. He’s been a pixie dust spreader on a tilt a whirl. He’s guessed peoples weight. Hell, we even let him make the saltwater taffy once. Til 7 year olds started running around with pupils the size of quarters, screaming about massive 12 armed aardvarks chasing them. Now he’s in accounting.
We’ve also got a fluffy Teddy Bear. Teddy has one job at our family friendly Circus. Unfortunately, we don’t know what it is. And he wouldn’t do it anyway. So, he just hangs out and yells at white people.
We’ve also got a soot-covered Ashtray. Ashtray’s been our main sideshow attraction for quite some time. The masterful way that he destroys any argument with his old man questions and hipster platitudes has taken many a prideful intellectual down a few pegs. He’s our single biggest asset and frankly we couldn’t do the show without him. At least that’s what we tell him. So we can continue using his contacts with the Democratic underground Asian prostitution rings that are being run out of his house.
Last and least, I’m the Mistic. Some have referred to me as the ringmaster. Really though, that’s just a fancy name for the fat guy who sits around and collects all the profit while everyone else does the work. And this is the RED EYE REPORT!!!!!
The Circus
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Circus
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/P._T._Barnum
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jim_Rose_Circus
What’s Sexy
Mistic: Foxconn
Teddy: Facebook vaccine help
Ashtray: Roger Stone’s heap of digital data.
https://www.cnn.com/2019/01/31/politics/roger-stone-evidence-mueller/index.html
Oracle: Mutant Year Zero: Road to Eden
Fuck What You Think
Ashtray: It’s all Ever’s Fault that Foxconn is a conjob
Oracle: Unstoppable joy in telling impatient douchebags to fuck off while I drive.
Teddy: Turtle Beach headset broke again.
Mistic: Cooking shows
In all Seriousness: Go fuck yourself Toronto, Canadia. That’s our show, we’re gonna be here every Wednesday night at 10pm central, make sure you join the conversation at theredeyereport.com or facebook.com/theredeyereport…..you can also twittle us at twitter.com/red_eye_report….like us, share us, or fuck us, we’re down for whatever. I’m Oracle…………….and this is the RED EYE REPORT!!!!!