Here’s a story, of a bear named Teddy, who was online when he met this guy once. That guy said hey dude can you be our token, but then that guy left cuz he’s a cunt.

We’ve also got this guy by the name of Oracle. Whos been around since day 1. Sometimes he gets drunk and yells at co-eds, but at least he didn’t show them his hairy nuts.

The baby of the group is named Ashtray. He replaced the cunt who’s name I forgot. Ashtrays kind of slow. But we love his antics, even when he can’t remember stuff.

Then one day these assholes met this Fat man. Who said, he guys, let’s meet up and talk some shit. That was half a decade or more ago though, after so many dick jokes and floppy tits. The Red Eye Report……The Red Eye Report…….and that’s the way we became the RED EYE REPORT!!!!!!


What’s Sexy:

Teddy: Borderlands 3

Oracle: God of War

Ashtray: Trump wants to investigate the “Oranges”

Mistic: Tool Updates

Fuck What You Think:

Teddy: Morons in parking garages

Oracle: Exxon Vueldez

Mistic: Language

Ashtray: Joe Biden, Joe Biden, Joe Biden