In this episode of the Red Eye Report, we talk God. We trample the dreams of multiple prepubescent girls and as usual, we regurgitate shit we heard on Facebook.
me this week is the all-seeing Oracle. Obviously, Oracle has his own religion. It’s called dafuckoutmyfaceism. He and Jessie Ventura are the only known practicing members. They only meet at a roadside truck stop once every five years. They buy a cup of gross 4-hour old coffee and stare at each other for exactly 14 minutes, saying nothing but insults.
Next to him, we have a fluffy Teddy Bear. Teddy is a Scientologist, obviously. We have audio of him joining the cult, I mean religion from a few years ago. He’s not quite at Tom Cruise levels, but he’s getting there. Hail Xenu Teddy.
Then there’s a soot covered Ashtray. He was a pretty devout Catholic up until three years ago. He was excommunicated for taking the virginity of multiple Nuns. Where did he take them, you ask. To the corner, where he pimped em out to support his cocaine habit.
Last and least, I’m the Mistic. Fuck religion, it’s all bullshit and if you believe in God, you’re a fucking moron. And this is the RED EYE REPORT!!!!!
Oracle: Students turning me into a fat fuck
Teddy: R.Kelly back in jail
Mystic: Pot train coming
Ashtray: Black man takes over a Neo Nazi group
Fuck What You Think
Oracle: Crazy old ladies on the road
Teddy: Anthem unplayable on PS4
Ashtray: People posting memes about how young people are stupid pussies