On the episode of the Red Eye Report, we talk about lasers. What the fuck is a laser? Is it made from magic beans? No, you dumbshit. It is not.

Are there lasers that you can buy on Amazon that will cause permanent blindness and pop balloons? Yes.

With me this week is Aperture Ashtray. He can shoot a laser beam out of his asshole if you ask him nicely. Ashtray is like that X-men guy with the classes, accept he wears a obsidian diaper to keep us all safe. Don’t make him take that diaper off.

Next to Ashtray is Target LSR Teddy. Sounds like a cool military weapon, huh? Wrong again losers. The target stands for the retail chain. You know, the one with all the yoga pants. LSR stands for “Lewd Sandwich Regurgitator.” Teddy earned this title after it was discovered that he frequently sneaks around Target, puking half chewed sandwiches into coat sleeves and baby carriages. That’s why I shop at Aldi.

We also have Masterbater with the Mega Laser Mistic. He gets off by “touching” unsuspected women with his high powered infrared laser canon. He’s actually blasting your mom as we speak.

And finally, we have me, Optics Oracle. My dream is to put all of this awesome laser technology to good use. I propose that we mount a huge visible laser to the international space station and blast it down into the jungles of India or rural Texas. Sure, we might start a massive forest fire, but we might also attract a mondo beast tiger. Was that retarded? Yes. And we’re just getting warmed up. Welcome to the Red Eye Report ladies and gentlemen.  


Laser explanation video:


  • Highly reflective mirror
  • laser medium
  • Flashlamp
  • Partially reflective mirror

Invented in 1960, lasers use an external “pump,” such as a flash lamp, to excite electrons within the atoms of a lasing material—usually a gas, crystal, or semiconductor. When one of these excited electrons falls back to its original state it emits a photon, which in turn stimulates another electron to emit a photon, and so on. Unlike the spreading beams of a flashlight, the photons in a laser emerge in a tightly packed stream at specific wavelengths.

Powerful consumer lasers

Powerful-ass consumer laser video

Military Lasers

Laser-guided lightning bolts

What’s Sexy

Teddy: The greatness of the switch

Ashtray: Rich the Kid and Usher get robbed while shooting a music video.

Oracle: Tetris Effect

Mistic: Making Hulu Series: Devil in the White City

Fuck What You Think

Mistic: Internet Outrage

Oracle: Living out Horizon: Zero Dawn

Teddy: Shitty fucking parents

Ashtray: Supernatural Events

In all Seriousness: Go fuck yourself _______. That’s our show, we’re gonna be here every Wednesday night at 10pm central, make sure you join the conversation at or… can also twittle us at….like us, share us, or fuck us, we’re down for whatever. I’m Oracle…………….and this is the RED EYE REPORT!!!!!