In this episode of the Red Eye Report, we talk about kidnappings that scared the world and captivated the media. No children were harmed in the making of this podcast, but they may have been slapped around a little.
First of we have Oracle. His prefered method of kidnapping is the classic burlap sack.
Nothing perverted though … he just wanted to record their mercy cries for his artsy fartsy creative writing podcast.
Next is Teddy, he was kidnapped in his youth from Detroit and forced to Tennessie by his captors. To this day, whenever anyone asks where he’s from, he still draws hope by saying, DETROIT.
Then we have
Mistic. He’s the opposite. He’s a kidgiver. Anyone willing to take his daughters off his hands for the night was fine by him. It gave him a chance to “take the boot off” for the Missus – if you know what I mean.
And I’m Ashtray. I tell people I don’t like kidnapping kids because they are more maintenance than a cat, which is true. But I also tell people, you have to find a new one, to bury the old one.
AND THIS IS THE RED EYE REPORT!!
The Lindbergh Baby
Old timey media about the kidnapping
Started the Amber alert
Abducted in Plain Sight
Mistic: Big Check
Teddy: Punisher Season 2
Ashtray: Forbes says there’s no border crisis
Oracle: Longshot Mode
Fuck What You Think
Ashtray: Venezuela diplomatic shit storm https://www.democracynow.org/2019/1/24/a_coup_in_process_trump_moves
Oracle: Having crackhead dental problems
Teddy: Bullshit Beta Bitches
Mistic: Punisher Season 2
In all Seriousness: Go fuck yourself Escanaba, Michigan. That’s our show, we’re gonna be here every Wednesday night at 10pm central, make sure you join the conversation at theredeyereport.com or facebook.com/theredeyereport…..you can also twittle us at twitter.com/red_eye_report….like us, share us, or fuck us, we’re down for whatever. I’m Oracle…………….and this is the RED EYE REPORT!!!!!