In this episode of the Red Eye Report, we talk about Human Evolution. Where did we come from and how many Neanderthals did we fuck to get here? Judging by the faces of my co-hosts, I’d say the answer is a lot.

Ashtray’s been known to blackout and rummage through trash bins at night looking for simple proteins and scraps like a savage beast. Scientists are still trying to determine whether this is the result of ass-clapping a Neanderthal or being a raging drunk.

Teddy has a recessive gene that causes him to think the Playstation Vita was a good gaming system. He also consistently fantasizes and comments on consuming the bodies of other humans, especially the body of our next host…the almighty Mistic…

Mistic’s body had morphed into a gelatinous mass. We’re not sure what Mistic is evolving into, perhaps a giant brain, or perhaps a new Pokemon. Either way, the process will be streamed on Twitch.

That leaves me, Oracle. I’m tall and I can eat dairy like a fucking mutant. So I guess I have those evolutionary traits going for me. What’s it good for? I don’t fucking know. Sucking on giraffe titties? Nature holds many mysteries, so join us as we uncover a few of them ON THE RED EYE REPORT! 

Human Evolution

We share a common ancestor that lived 7 million years ago, the chimpanzee

We have closer relatives, hominins, who are no longer living.

The first known hominin emerged in Africa about 7 million years ago (Sahelanthropus tchadensis) Flat- faced ape

  • Canine teeth were smaller than earlier apes

Closer to around 6 million years ago another one, Orrorin tugenensis, lived in East Africa.

  • It’s thighbone suggests upright walking
  • Another one, Ardipithecus kadabba, has a toe bone that suggests bipedalism

Hominins still climbed trees in the early days

  • Around 4 million years ago, grasping feet were lost

Multiple hominin species lived simultaneously

Hominins hit southern Africa by 3 million years ago

The first known stone tools were produced in Ethiopia

  • Might have been produced by Homo habilis

2 million years ago, Homo erectus became the first hominin to migrate out of Africa

  • Large brain
  • Dexterous fingers
  • Long legs

800,000 years ago, advances in cooking were fueling brain growth

Homo sapiens emerged in Africa about 200,000 years ago

  • lived alongside and interbred with other hominin species
  • other hominins went extinct

Everybody was fucking Neanderthals

We are still evolving

Digesting Milk

Can’t produce vitamin C

Changing Skulls

What’s next?

What’s Sexy

Mistic: Old music

Oracle: Weirdo All Access

Ashtray: White House inadvertently sends Ukraine talking points to Democrats:

Teddy: Hori Daemon X Machina 

Fuck What You Think

Mistic: Parents

Teddy: people who can’t make decisions in restaurants

Ashtray: Worst Wedding Song Ever

Oracle: Digital Recognition Network: Limitless private surveillance

In all Seriousness: Go fuck yourself Wichita, KS. That’s our show, we’re gonna be here every Wednesday night at 10pm central, make sure you join the conversation at or… can also twittle us at redeye_report….like us, share us, or fuck us, we’re down for whatever. I’m Oracle…………….and this is the RED EYE REPORT!!!!!