On this episode of the Red Eye Report, we talk about competitive eating, we listen to Ashtray ramble on about some bullshit, and we ridicule Ashtray’s bad competitive eating jokes about Mistic.

With us this week is the Mistic. Mistic has been a competitive eater all his life… The only problem is he was competing with himself. and now the only thing he has to show for it is a busted leg and a serious bout with the gout.

Next to him is the Oracle. Oracle competitive eats in the saddest way possible. He does it by staring at himself in the mirror crying as shamefully shovels spoonfuls of food in his mouth, all the while telling himself that no one will ever love him.

Then there’s the Ashtray. Ashtray competitively eats one thing, drugs. And I mean a lot of drugs. But I do have to say his cocaine and mushroom fueled rants on the show make him slightly more bearable.

And lastly, I’m Teddy. I competitively eat one thing… Pussy and I’m pretty fucking good at it. Don’t believe me ask your mom and this is the Red Eye Report

Competitive Eating

What’s Sexy

Mistic: Gimme Radio

Oracle: 1865

Ashtray: Amazon Merch accepted me

Teddy: Beta baby

Fuck what you think

Teddy: Cam Newton out here looking like somebody grandmama.

Ashtray: Whistleblower complaint about President Trump involves Ukraine

Oracle: Thy cursed shirt


In all seriousness that’s our show.