In this episode of the Red Eye Report, we talk about Human Evolution. Where did we come from and how many Neanderthals did we fuck to get here? Judging by the faces of my co-hosts, I’d say the answer is a lot.

Ashtray’s been known to blackout and rummage through trash bins at night looking for simple proteins and scraps like a savage beast. Scientists are still trying to determine whether this is the result of ass-clapping a Neanderthal or being a raging drunk.

Teddy has a recessive gene that causes him to think the Playstation Vita was a good gaming system. He also consistently fantasizes and comments on consuming the bodies of other humans, especially the body of our next host…the almighty Mistic…

Mistic’s body had morphed into a gelatinous mass. We’re not sure what Mistic is evolving into, perhaps a giant brain, or perhaps a new Pokemon. Either way, the process will be streamed on Twitch.

That leaves me, Oracle. I’m tall and I can eat dairy like a fucking mutant. So I guess I have those evolutionary traits going for me. What’s it good for? I don’t fucking know. Sucking on giraffe titties? Nature holds many mysteries, so join us as we uncover a few of them ON THE RED EYE REPORT! 

Human Evolution

We share a common ancestor that lived 7 million years ago, the chimpanzee

We have closer relatives, hominins, who are no longer living.

The first known hominin emerged in Africa about 7 million years ago (Sahelanthropus tchadensis) Flat- faced ape

  • Canine teeth were smaller than earlier apes

Closer to around 6 million years ago another one, Orrorin tugenensis, lived in East Africa.

  • It’s thighbone suggests upright walking
  • Another one, Ardipithecus kadabba, has a toe bone that suggests bipedalism

Hominins still climbed trees in the early days

  • Around 4 million years ago, grasping feet were lost

Multiple hominin species lived simultaneously

Hominins hit southern Africa by 3 million years ago

The first known stone tools were produced in Ethiopia

  • Might have been produced by Homo habilis

2 million years ago, Homo erectus became the first hominin to migrate out of Africa

  • Large brain
  • Dexterous fingers
  • Long legs

800,000 years ago, advances in cooking were fueling brain growth

Homo sapiens emerged in Africa about 200,000 years ago

  • lived alongside and interbred with other hominin species
  • other hominins went extinct

Everybody was fucking Neanderthals

We are still evolving

Digesting Milk

Can’t produce vitamin C

Changing Skulls

What’s next?

What’s Sexy

Mistic: Old music

Oracle: Weirdo All Access

Ashtray: White House inadvertently sends Ukraine talking points to Democrats:

Teddy: Hori Daemon X Machina 

Fuck What You Think

Mistic: Parents

Teddy: people who can’t make decisions in restaurants

Ashtray: Worst Wedding Song Ever

Oracle: Digital Recognition Network: Limitless private surveillance

In all Seriousness: Go fuck yourself Wichita, KS. That’s our show, we’re gonna be here every Wednesday night at 10pm central, make sure you join the conversation at or… can also twittle us at redeye_report….like us, share us, or fuck us, we’re down for whatever. I’m Oracle…………….and this is the RED EYE REPORT!!!!!


On this episode of the Red Eye Report, we talk about competitive eating, we listen to Ashtray ramble on about some bullshit, and we ridicule Ashtray’s bad competitive eating jokes about Mistic.

With us this week is the Mistic. Mistic has been a competitive eater all his life… The only problem is he was competing with himself. and now the only thing he has to show for it is a busted leg and a serious bout with the gout.

Next to him is the Oracle. Oracle competitive eats in the saddest way possible. He does it by staring at himself in the mirror crying as shamefully shovels spoonfuls of food in his mouth, all the while telling himself that no one will ever love him.

Then there’s the Ashtray. Ashtray competitively eats one thing, drugs. And I mean a lot of drugs. But I do have to say his cocaine and mushroom fueled rants on the show make him slightly more bearable.

And lastly, I’m Teddy. I competitively eat one thing… Pussy and I’m pretty fucking good at it. Don’t believe me ask your mom and this is the Red Eye Report

Competitive Eating

What’s Sexy

Mistic: Gimme Radio

Oracle: 1865

Ashtray: Amazon Merch accepted me

Teddy: Beta baby

Fuck what you think

Teddy: Cam Newton out here looking like somebody grandmama.

Ashtray: Whistleblower complaint about President Trump involves Ukraine

Oracle: Thy cursed shirt


In all seriousness that’s our show.